Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Staying safe


I’ve never revealed this… but I suck at running.

I know. Big revelation! What with my svelt figure, you'd think I ran every day!

Alas, no. When I run I feel all jerky, heck even when I walk sometimes I feel like an awkward robot, I am so stiff. And of course there is rippling of the thighs that isn't pleasant.
I am sure I suck at many things but that was the only one I could come up with.

No, not humble at all, eh?



I tend to be fairly good at anything I attempt, not perfect, though I tend to strive for it and probably think I am doing better than I am. Plus, I am REALLY good at faking it!
The catch is this, it's only at things I attempt. I tend to avoid things that I would not be good at. You can't look bad if you don't try, am I right? So I avoid running like the plague! 
In Jr. High, my gym teacher would make us run around the block everyday, at least 3 times. Halfway around the block was a corner store. My friend and I would hide out in the store until we saw the class run by for the second time, then start walking back to the school and when the class caught up with us, we would start to jog.  Gym was my least favorite class. I hated to run, and still do. My knees were bad so it hurt, and as I got older, it looked more like a rhino stampeding than a person running. It didn't help that I was always picked last for any team through high school. I was good at every other part of the sport but still no one wanted me on their team. We all know the lasting scars that come from childhood rejection...

So I like to think I am this well rounded person, without negative thoughts beating myself up. I am who I am and I really am ok with that. I don't look in the mirror and think "geez you are fat! You need to loose like what, 1000 lbs?"

I used to, but when I left my ex husband my whole perspective changed. I have grown to be comfortable in my ever expanding, stretch marked, and perhaps a bit unshaven, skin. However, I am still afraid to fail. I am afraid that someone will look at me and think "Wow, didn't get that right did you?"

The ironic thing is that I am sure people do, and as long as I fool myself into believing I am perfect, it doesn't matter. I mean it shouldn't right? Then why does it matter to me enough that I don't even try? This is the crux, the thorn in my side.

So here is my challenge to myself: to find something (other than running 'cause let's face it, that is just not going to happen) that I fail at and do it anyways. Whose with me?



4 comments:

  1. your hubby wouldn't mind a nightly walk once the littlest is sleeping???

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  2. Oh he doesn't mind and I do take walks at night, sometimes, just don't do the running part.

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  3. This is brilliant and so very honest. I can relate to much of your story.....especially the portion about the storefront hideout, the slow phony jog and the heinous gym teacher. You forgot the part about the enforced showers, that we were never sweaty enough to require (unless you count chip crumbs, as a reason to require a shower). We should speed walk together, when I get home at the end of the summer. Miss you- this piece was a great read:)

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  4. Thanks uhmm Blondie? hehe Glad to see you agree with my assessment of the situation! I think I was blocking out those showers, though I look back fondly on our exploits in that round school! We could totally speed walk together when you get back! Hey, I may have found something I could possibly fail at! :-D

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