What if I didn't ever come out of the bathroom?
I mean beyond the numb legs and butt tingles?
Would life go on without me? Would the dog forget that I went in there? Would the kids?
Maybe I could just stay in there for a whole day.... Quiet. That isn't leaving the kids home alone is it? They can get their own cereal....
I could read a whole book without having to listen to stories, or watch dance recitals or check out that website. I could sleep. (I hear the bathtub is VERY comfy!)
I could play all those games I keep getting invites to on Facebook! (Seriously? When do YOU have the time? Oh right, while you are locked in the bathroom!)
I could paint my nails, or give myself a Pedi! Aahhh! I could landscape my nether regions! And my pits for that matter! Man this is looking better and better! How about a face mask? Geez I wonder if that expensive tub of mud I bought years ago is still spreadable?
I could listen to MY music, not John Jacob Jinglehimmerschmidt! Wow! Do I even HAVE my own music?
Oh wait, what about the knob on the outside of the door? Hmmmm maybe I could jam the lock with q-tips! Yeah! The worst that could get in would be the tip of the cats paw, trying to grab at anything under the door.
Unfortunately, life would go on. People would still destroy my kitchen without cleaning up after themselves, the toys would be strewn across the house along with everyone's socks, shirts and pants (Really? why did you need to remove your pants in my living room?) and crunched cheerios and dog food mixed with dog dish water squished into the carpet. Oh and don't forget the tap in the downstairs bathroom that NO one can turn the last 210th of a millimeter to stop it from dripping.
Hmm it would be like when I "get to" sleep in. I always have to decide if I need the extra sleep enough to risk hours of cleaning a house that was spotless when I went to bed. Just once, I would like to hear "Don't worry sweetie/ mommy, you can sleep in, I will take care of the baby" and NOT come out to a warzone or lay there listening to the kids fighting and the baby screaming, the door opening every 5 minutes, just so they can check to see if I am still in there.... ??? No, there IS no other exit guys!
I could always go out but then I have to get dressed up, pretend like I am not waffling between crawling under the table, curling up and sleeping or scratching everyone's eyes out. Wishing that everything and everyone would just be silent for a minute or 2! Maybe I am sleep deprived or something but even the sound of the fan hurts my ears by the end of the day.
So maybe today I just won't come out. Tomorrow I can clean the house.... right? RIGHT?
BTW... don't look behind the shower curtain. I am totally NOT crouched in the tub sneaking a Pepsi, playing solitaire, and blogging on my cell phone.